SHIVA

SHIVA MOMENTS

Food platters and family matters

Laughter and tears

Angers, fears

Stories of life lived

Regrets of time lost

Eternal moments of memory

Woven together into a balm

To assuage the hurting heart

Release the untethered soul

And heal the empty hole

Unseen in the covered mirrors

Which hide the torn heart’s anguish

As I languish

Grief-stricken

Yearning

Burning like a candle

In the dark night of the soul.

 

Praying with my weary body

I bind my memory of you into my arms

Between my eyes

As my heart, once again cries

Tears of love, loss and awakening.

Psalms of praise

Punctuate a mourner’s daze

Shema Yisrael

Why the hell am I here?

Awake so early

Not in my bed

As you lie dead

Why?

I cry with a sigh

Standing

To enter the silence of prayer.

 

I greet the ancestors

And they comfort me

Unconditionally

Telling me they have welcomed you in death

For a moment I catch my breath

But then in the painful nuances

Of death and life renewed

I know its not true

Embodied I will never see you again

Once more a wave of pain

Recalling you’ve breathed your last

This time of incarnation has past

Dead, buried, no longer even dying

Am I laughing or crying

Feeling the blessings of living

Reaching out

Forgiving

Deeply knowing the fullness of time

Seeing invisible patterns of the divine

Reflected in the candle light

That burns day and night.

 

In this prayer haze

As words jump off the page

I feel the echoes of older, younger generations

Meaningful interpretations

Punctuated and punctured once again

With lingering laments of sorrow and regret

The recognition of potentialities never to be met

Gifts bequeathed

Sacred moments now unclaimed

Was this death in vain?

Blessings harvested

Friends found and lost

Just how much did that box cost?

All these and more pass in my mind

In praying to the divine

Unfolding moment by moment

In this ever-present seven day vigil in your honor.

Until  finally I pray for peace

Silently bend my knees

And sit down close to the ground

A prayed-out mourner am I

Not another tear to cry.

 

As the din definitely diminishes

And a majestic prayer finally finishes

Trembling, weary in my heart

Without hesitation, I slowly start

Momentarily mesmerized as I stand

Uttering cryptic words

Of a sacred chant

Yitkadal v’yitkadash

Lifetimes these words endure and last

Stuttering

Sputtering

 

In dumb struck belief

There seems to be no relief

Until in the pause moments

I drop my fear and begin to hear

Praying through me

Ancient Aramaic incantations

Echoing patterns of the centuries

An indistinct primordial sound

Resounds deep inside

Claiming my birthright from days of old

An orphan in history

Awe-struck by this mystery

Of unseen connection

Of generations and generations

Children of fathers and mothers

Siblings of sisters and brothers

Woven into the warp and woof of life

Etched into eternity

Words older than time

Hallowing the divine

Magnifying

Sanctifying this moment

This life you have lived

This death I am discovering

This blessed Name I am uncovering

In this world and the world beyond

In the name of the one who makes peace

In the highest realms

In the human realms

In my aching heart

And in your awakening soul

And once more

Before another round of bagels and lox

Makes all my clothes tight

Down to my socks

Let us say – Amen!

Let us pray – Amen!